Please remember that if you or a loved one are experiencing thoughts of suicide or experiencing a mental health emergency, please call 911 or contact one of the 24/7 helplines:
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Dial 988 or visit 988lifeline.org
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 800-799-7233
Additional Resources
Please take care of yourself. You are not alone.
With September now fully here and the embracement of pumpkin spice lattes, cooler weather (hopefully), and spooky season just around the corner, it can be easy to forget that this time of year can be trying for some. September is Suicide Awareness Month which is why for the entire month of September, I’ll be focusing solely on this subject in order to inform, provide psychoeducation, and help to anyone who needs it. This time of year, it’s common to see social media campaigns on suicide, but it’s very different to read a simple post on suicide than to experience that terrifying moment when you realize that someone you love and care about may be considering suicide.
If you’re reading this post, you are either looking to learn how to start the conversation. It doesn’t matter who the person is. Maybe it’s your best friend who doesn’t respond to text messages anymore, or your child who has not stopped crying since the divorce, or your colleague whose light hearted jokes on ending himself due to the workload feel less like a joke now and more like a statement. It’s scary. Plain and simple. But that’s part of starting the conversation. It is to acknowledge that suicide is scary and you’re scared for them because you want them to be okay and safe.
Review Your Motives
Yes, talking about suicide can be scary. Yes, we want our loved ones to be safe. However, the main question to ask is “Am I wanting to lecture, solve their problem, or support them?”. A lot of people when confronted with a problem automatically want to solve it. That is commendable…except with people’s personal issues. Taking on the role of “The Fixer” when it comes to another person’s personal issues will backfire on you. The truth is that you cannot fix, cure, or live another person’s life for them. They have to live for themselves which means that you need to be able to sit down with them and hear them out. It is an act of seeing and hearing the person where they are at. It is not for us to judge, but to listen and see their struggles whether we believe that the issues are severe or not.
Establishing a non-judgmental perspective is key for starting the conversation. Discussing thoughts and feelings of suicide is an incredibly vulnerable. They know that the issue needs a resolution, but you don’t have to provide it. You are not there to judge, but be present. Imagine, if you will, your friend being in a dark hole at the bottom of the valley. Does it feel better get help from someone shouting advice from the top of the mountain or to have a person with you in the hole who can fully understand the situation they are in? This is the core of being compassionate.
Where and When to Speak
There is a time and place for everything and a discussion on suicidal thoughts should be done in an environment where you and your loved one feels safe.
Privacy is All or Nothing
It’s never great to ask someone about their suicidal thoughts in a crowded hallway or in a cafe or in an environment where literally anyone could hear. This is a sensitive topic and it requires vulnerability. Vulnerability requires safety and safety requires privacy.
Timing is Everything
A topic as heavy as suicide should not be done when you have an errand to run, kids to pick up, or a meeting in 10 minutes. Having uninterrupted time to discuss suicide with a loved one demonstrates how you are willing to give the topic and their feelings the time needed to be examined and discussed at length. Do not cheapen the experience by doing it between chores.
Location, Location, Location
There are some places that are not appropriate for any type of conversation. Discussing suicide at a rave isn’t private and it’s not a neutral space. There can be traumas associated with spaces whether we recognize it or not. Choosing a neutral place that is private can lessen any potential distress.
Language Matters
In my experience as a therapist, people are generally terrible with their words and getting their point across when they are actively stressed and worried. They try to use metaphors, both good and bad, tiptoe around the subject that they want to talk about, and avoid being direct as though it would cause physical pain. I cannot stress this enough. If you are worried, say you are worried. If you are scared, say you are scared.
Using I Statements
I get worried when you don’t text me when you’re on your way home. The road is bad and that car accident last month scared me.
I feel hurt when you look at your phone during a family meeting.
I feel stressed when we don’t discuss finances at the end of the month.
Not Using I Statements
You have so much to live for. You’re so selfish. You never think about other people.
How could you do this to me? You always do what you want to do!
You never contribute to family meetings. You’re always checked out and I hate it.
Validation over Correction
When your loved one begins to share their reasons, emotions, and thoughts, I implore you to not be a pep squad member and say, “You’re a success!”, “You’re doing great!”, or the dreaded, “Don’t worry about it!” You don’t have to be their cheerleader, you don’t need to talk down to them, and you most certainly do not need to invalidate their lived experiences. They are speaking to you in a moment of incredible vulnerability. They don’t need someone to correct the behavior. They need someone to hear them.
The Art of Listening
Which brings us to how to listen when someone is discussing suicidal thoughts or feelings with you. Listening is not as easy as people think it is. Far too often, when we engage in conversation, people aren’t actually listening. Instead, they are thinking of how they want to respond to what you’re saying. Meaning that they’re checked out of the conversation and are focused on their own emotions, thoughts, and feelings. This is known as passive listening. You smile, you nod, but there’s nothing intentional or meaningful about it. Listening to someone who is being vulnerable about their mental state requires active listening skills.
Remember to breathe
Breathing is essential for living. Listening to a loved one’s distress can be distressing for you. Your nervous system is likely to get a little wonky as you hear intense emotions. It’s okay to be scared, but it’s not okay to forget to breathe. Take slow deep breaths. Breathe in through your mouth, hold for four, and then exhale softly. Do this as many times as you need.
Use OARS
OARS stands for Open-Ended Questions, Affirmations, Reflection, and Summarization. OARS is the foundation for establishing a therapeutic relationship, but it also works in every day life for strengthening your relationships.
O - Open Ended Questions
Questions that can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no”.
Open-ended questions invite further conversation and inquire to the person’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Example: “How was your day today?”, “When did you start to feel like this?”, “Why do you not want to hang out with X anymore?”
A - Affirmations
These statements are focused on your loved one’s strengths
These are not fluff pieces or saccharine praise. People know when you’re being fake. Discussing suicide concerns with a loved one is not the time to be fake.
R - Reflective Listening
It’s exactly what it sounds like. You reflect on what you’ve heard the person say.
This is where you show that you’ve been paying attention. It allows for clarity if you’ve misunderstood the conversation.
Hearing their own words repeated back can allow them to explore it on a meaningful level now that it isn’t buzzing around in their head.
S - Summaries
This is where you wrap it all up. Everything that’s been discussed, you summarize just the way that you would at the end of an essay back in school. What did you hear your loved one say? How are they feeling about everything? Is there anything in particular that’s causing specific distress or is it general?
This demonstrates to your loved one that you were engaged the entire time throughout the conversation.
It allows for a calm cooldown of the conversation.
If your loved one is crying, let them cry. If they’re upset and venting, let them vent. The emotions are intense, but they are finally in a place where they can express them safely. They don’t need you to “fix” their emotions. There’s really nothing to fix, but the fact that they don’t feel heard, they’re scared, and they want to know that you’re willing to take some time out of your day in order to be human with them.
Where to Go For Help
Alrighty, so you’ve done it. You’ve had one of the most difficult and nerve-wracking conversations you’re likely going to have for a while. It’s great that you’re able to connect with a person on such a deep level, but now it raises the question of “What now?”. Sure, you’re able to talk and now your loved one feels heard, but what if they want help? Or if you want to give them a resource to have in their back pocket? If you’ve never had to look, finding help can be just as scary as talking about suicide person to person. Thankfully, help is just a call or a text away.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Call or text 988 to connect with trained crisis counselors 24 hours a day, 7 days a week .
Chat online at 988lifeline.org .
For Spanish speakers: Call 988 and press "2," or text AYUDA to 988 .
For Deaf/HoH: Access is available, including videophone services for American Sign Language users .
Veterans Crisis Line
For Veterans, service members, National Guard and Reserve members, and those who support them:
Call 988 and press "1" .
Text 838255 .
Crisis Text Line
For those who prefer texting over calling:
Text HOME to 741741 .
Available 24/7, connects you with trained crisis counselors.
SAMHSA National Helpline
For mental health and substance use support:
Call 1-800-662-HELP (4357) .
This is a confidential, 24/7, free information service providing treatment referrals and support.
911 for Immediate Emergencies
If the situation is life-threatening or if someone is in immediate danger of harming themselves or another person, call 911. Let the dispatcher know that it is a mental health crisis so that the appropriate team may be sent out to help de-escalate the issue.
Conclusion
Experiencing suicidal thoughts is not a character flaw. It’s not a weakness. It is merely the symptom of severe psychological pain. It doesn’t require judgment but a kind heart and a willing ear. With the information here, you can take heart in knowing that you will be doing your best in communicating your concerns with your loved ones. But, as always, if you or a loved one are experiencing thoughts of suicide or experiencing a mental health emergency, please call 911 or contact one of the 24/7 helplines:
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Dial 988 or visit 988lifeline.org
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 800-799-7233
Additional Resources
Please take care of yourself. You are not alone.
